Some short quotations

Because it was the rush hour, only one escalator was working and predictably, it was the one devoted to the few passengers who wished to catch a train rather than leave the station.

The oldest man in the company was Arthur Williams, who was retiring in the autumn. He had never really recovered from learning of the death of Gracie Fields and lived in fear of hearing of the demise of Vera Lynn.

A survey by a broadsheet newspaper claimed that one in two people believed that they had lived before and it carried an interview with a young London waitress who maintained that she had been a World War 1 general and then a crocodile in an early James Bond film.

Jill met some acquaintances, many of whom had had recent operations. Henry thought that, between them, they had given up enough body parts to make a new human being, but wisely said nothing.

Early in his new life, Henry had realised that it was prudent to respond positively to taxi drivers’ attempts at conversation. Consequently, a life-long liberal, he had vigorously endorsed dramatic plans to eject all those whose grandparents had not been born in this country and was deeply committed to the restoration of both corporal and capital punishment, preferably imposed simultaneously.

It was for Henry “un moment historique” as Ted Heath, the former prime minister, not the band leader, once tried to say although it’s possible that the latter also made such a comment. It was just that it was never publicised. That’s the price that you pay for being a band leader.

One tabloid…had two stories on the front page. One concerned a man who had killed his wife. The judge, having heard that he had been called a fat slob by his erstwhile next of kin, said that no point would be served by jailing this man. He had been provoked and killed his wife. Now he had no wife so nobody was in danger. Consequently, he ordered the man to undertake 50 hours of community service.

Several papers carried the story that killer bees, encouraged by the warm spring weather, another aspect of global warming, would soon land at Dover and could then move, remorselessly, to the capital. They had a tendency to attack red-haired people. A former UK foreign secretary was not worried, reportedly, but close friends were quoted as saying that he was taking basic but unspecified precautions. Perkins wondered if he might become a Whig.

He stretched across to pick up a supplier’s fax that was on the machine. It said that “as per the voice mail, here is a fax of my most recent e-mail sent to the refinery”.

Later, at home, Perkins was being debriefed by his wife, although not in a way that, if the scene had been televised, it would have had to appear after the so-called watershed at nine pm.

“I can do no better than to remind you of the words of a high-ranking European politician who said that reform strategy proposals should identify ways to integrate resource assessments with decisions on positive and negative priorities…I am awed by such clarity and beauty of language and I’m sure that you are. These words are as relevant today as when they were uttered last week.”

He turned to the local paper and the following ad immediately caught his eye:

We want a powerfully-motivated, dynamic well-rounded strong person who wants to make a real difference to society. You will enjoy the challenging and exacting work in a team-led environment, occupying a highly visible role which exposes you to the community. Significant communication skills are required as you and your colleagues prioritise and resolve problems. You will need resilience and tenacity to ensure that everyone involved in the project remains focussed on collecting and then delivering results. You will also have a role in driving the team, at least once a week, towards its predicated goal and you will enjoy limited travel. We can promise you that each day will bring a fresh and sometimes not so fresh challenge.

…Applications should be sent to the Managing Co-ordinator, UDMCRS, (Unwanted Domestic Material Community Removal Service). Candidates should explain why they wanted to be associated with the reclamation scheme, RUBBISH, (the Removal of Unwanted Bins and Bags Into Selected Holes)…

The lead story was that an official survey, produced by a focus group, working closely with a panel of experts, had discovered that graduates enjoyed better health than those without degrees. In a revolutionary move, the government decreed that all those who had passed any recognised exams after the age of 14 would henceforth be regarded as graduates. The health secretary hailed this as a most imaginative move and said that it would take billions off the cost of running the National Health Service.

Over the years, he had realised that the older, and, frankly, the plainer the woman, the more they seemed to want more than a formal peck on the cheek or the aimed kiss that narrowly missed all contact. Equally, the younger females…seemed to think that unless an intended peck on the cheek missed by at least a foot, sorry, 305 millimetres, he was bent on lust. It was difficult for a chap.

The PR man, in his mid twenties, looked about 15 years of age. That was not an offence but it was not good. What could he know about anything? …the blue vertical stripes of his shirt were not on speaking terms with his yellow, green and brown three-piece tweed suit, the sort that people wear when they are just about to shoot something and then proclaim the death of the animal as a “damn good show”.

Patently out of his depth, Henry justly feared the worst when the executive asked him if he had ever seen a camel race. Without waiting for a reply, he claimed that it was a most exhilarating experience. In short, it came fully recommended by the famous executive. …Perkins dolefully conceded the truth…and said that he and his lady wife usually spent their holidays at Westhaven, and not withstanding its attractions, which Henry enumerated slowly and with some animation, to create the illusion that he was fully engaged in a conversation, “there is a very noticeable absence of camels. Indeed, in my 15 annual visits there, I’ve not seen a single one, or indeed, a married one, so racing was not a realistic possibility.”

Apparently, few (taxi) drivers had ever intended to drive a London taxi. They were surprised to learn that, after chugging around the capital for many months in all weathers on a moped, to learn the geography, they became taxi drivers! Such intensive preparation, surely, had implied that they could reasonably expect to become accountants or zoo keepers? It just shows that none of us knows what lies around the corner, even if you have spent many hours sitting astride a two stroke engine, trying to find out precisely what does lie around the corner.

…because of a mistake in the overall programme, the band was still playing. Unfortunately, the musicians, charged to play something cheerful, were rendering “food, glorious food” from the musical Oliver, just as the video was showing the impact of famine in rural communities in the developing world.

HB had used haircream regularly since the days of Denis Compton and saw no reason to change just because other peoples’ habits had altered. Consequently, his silver hair, like HB himself on most afternoons, was well plastered.

…“I’ve got a good condominium just around the corner…” Henry recalled from his abortive days of studying that a condominium was the common rule of a territory by two or more nations. Talented as she undoubtedly was, surely, she was not ruling a part of Texas?

Sir Willerby Wistleton-Nugget, probably the biggest name in the UK oil industry, hear heared vigorously..“We have several choices. We can surrender, fight or find a white knight.” Sir Willerby, most of whose friends were white knights, looked puzzled as Nigel continued.

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